THE OLD ME.
is gone perhaps, maybe for good and that's a good thing. now to recenter myself, reach backwards into my old self and find the oh so much good that's just sitting inside. waiting to be pulled back into the reality that i'm living and to be applied in all manner of ways.
we are all just little kids grown up, yes some of us may be more mature and live life in an adult manner, but the reactions that we get from doing anything all stem from our childhood. the feeling of something new, the feeling of discovering, anticipation, wanting, yearning, feeling all of these amazing things that you've never experienced before. in our "adulthood" and even into our old age, we're always thinking of things that were, things that could have been and it's almost helpless to pull yourself away from those thoughts and feelings. you are everything you've experienced, a culmination, and i plan on reaching into the depths of what i've seen in people and actions throughout all time and look at it from an outside perspective.
draw yourself away from the experience of what it was like to be in that moment, and put yourself into the moment you are in now and look at how you've grown from it. there's so much to grow from, as there are lessons in everything.
i think you stopped wanting to give me your energy, a long time ago.
how i fear for the future. such uncertainty. and now it feels like i won't make it to the other side. what is to come of me in some years? i don't want to continue with these memories of what was and what could have been. there's nothing i can do. hope, pray, think, meditate, yearn and dismiss my own emotions. i am not my emotions. i am not my thoughts. i am not the love that i have given and i am not the love that i have recieved. i am just a vessel living this life. this happy life. an already fulfilled and wonderful lifetime.
i should be happy with what i got. i just wanted more.
i feel so absolutely dumb. i still don't understand. i just don't get it.
you know that old saying "if i'm so amazing why doesn't anybody love me" or something like that, is about the way i feel. my last two exes beforehand didn't love me for who i was, they both loved me whom they thought i would be in their head. and now this.
all i can is let the tears turn to salt on my skin. maybe that will help with my exfoliating.
what a weird combination of wanting to let go but wanting to hold on so tight. i think about fighting for it all the time. wasted energy. dreams of show ups, flowers, songs and just being there. but it's all just a scene playing in my head and in reality, it's all brushed away. you don't want me anymore and i don't think you ever will again. i must let go.
love.